Finding Strength

Finding strength through past questions is powerful and universal.. When you reflect on your past, do you ever find yourself questioning how you got to a certain point in your life? As if one day, you wonder how you ended up in this particular chapter, whether it is good, challenging, or simply unfamiliar?

Lost Strength

A few years back, I found myself in unfamiliar territory. My stepdad had just died suddenly. He had been a very important part of my life. I was lost when he died, my life shattered. In my grief, it was as if a veil was lifted, and God showed me truths I had been trying to dismiss.

You see my marriage had not been good for a long time, I’ll dive all of that relationship as time goes on. Through my stepdad‘s death it was like a veil had been lifted. I could see clearly. God used that time in my life to show me so many truths. At that point I was not living out the life God wanted for me. I was listening to lies that had been spoken over me. As I started to listen to God, I realized it was time for me to leave the toxic relationship I was in.

Finding my way back to strength

In March of 2020, I took a leap of faith and file for divorce. It wasn’t east but I started making plans for my daughter and I to move out of the home that my ex and I had just built. We needed a place we could both start to breathe and heal. That place ended up being on the other side of the country! With each rotation of the wheel, I felt my breaths deepen and freedom wash over me.

When arriving in our new city, our journey was far from over. God had given me such a sense of peace and trust through al of it thus far. I leaned into that trust. Our new home wasn’t available yet so we spent a month between two Airbnbs. During this time I searched for a job. It was 2020, it was an interesting job market! It took me just under two months to find a job. Creating some normalcy for my daughter during a time that was anything but, was difficult. Each day brought with it some new struggles or emotions. There were also victories, laughs, and moments where it felt like our lives were settling a bit.  

Questions lingered

Yet, in this new life, questions popped up. Why was this the path? Why did things seem to keep veering from the life I had dreamed of as a child? Where was the person I had always wanted and hoped to be? I had 5 beautiful children, five precious grandkids, yet I wasn’t sure who I was anymore or how I had gotten to this point. A lot had not worked out the way I wanted it to and prayed for. Why? What now? My faith and trust were strong, but there was fear around the future. What happened to the life I had worked so hard to make and protect?

In the quiet of those questions, I came to realize that sometimes we have to let go of what we think we need in order for our path to become something greater. My faith sustained me through that time and will continue to sustain me. Even though it is a journey that is still in the making and I don’t know understand it all fully yet, I am excited for the future.

What is Strength?

In the end, finding strength maybe comes from not holding on too tightly, but from letting go. From daring to believe that we are not bound to the life others envision for us or the life we once thought we wanted to have. Maybe we are supposed to live a life free to move forward, trust ourselves a bit more and trust the journey; even when we have no idea where it leads.

Finding my Strength

Finding my strength hasn’t been about one moment but a series of choices and the decision to trust what i do not understand. To commit to rebuilding myself and finding out what I am truly capable of. Every day is a step of faith, sometimes done in fear. I will continue to trust and continue to find that strength that God has instilled inside of me.